I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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