Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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