i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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