Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
