oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
