Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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