dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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