I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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