Define "chronic" masturbator.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
