I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
