My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
