Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
