Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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