I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
