1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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