I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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