my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
