Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
