tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
how does that bad decision feel?
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