I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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