everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I think we might need a safe word for this...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
