i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
