I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
