it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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