I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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