I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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