Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
