so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
