Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
