alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
