you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
