He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
