Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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