R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
