You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
