The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
