he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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