My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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