I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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