So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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