Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
