If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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