1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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