it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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