I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
