I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
