I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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