if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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