I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
