I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
