I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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