I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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