just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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