I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
